Forever Moore (Moore Family Book 1) Page 7

  I know he sounds like an awful man-whore, but he treats the girls that he hooks up with well. This is also a small town and his reputation is known. So, women do not tend to get emotionally involved. If anything, they want to sleep with him to learn new tricks or experience a few different things. He really doesn’t judge. He has told me stories of the weird stuff girls want to try with him just to see if they like it. He is like their sexual safe space.

  Regardless though, I am currently sitting in the living room, pissed off at Scott. This is a new feeling. I have never been mad at Scott before and Scott has never been mad at me. But what he said at breakfast—about Tilly being alone and me leaving—it infuriated me. It took all my willpower not to slug him. But the real gut punch was the fact that Tilly had agreed.

  It was as if they both already decided that I am leaving. I know Tilly and I didn’t talk about it much last night. We got a little distracted. But I told her how lonely I’ve been, and how empty the traveling has felt (having no one to share it with). And I also told her that I wanted to stay. In typical Tilly fashion, she brushed it off (just like she did ten years ago) by telling me she isn’t going to hold me back.

  She doesn’t seem to understand, that to me, it doesn’t feel like she is holding me back. If anything, I feel like she is pushing me away. We have been intimate a few times, but she is still keeping part of herself from me. I want to stay with her. I am not sure what this means for my career. There isn’t much I can do with photography in this town. But I would be willing to find a new career for her and let photography just become a hobby. However, before I give everything up, I need to know that she is all in.

  Scott comes down the stairs, duffle bag in hand. I can tell he is unhappy with me also. I am not sure how to handle this, considering we have never been upset with each other before. I guess I should approach it the same way Scott does, by barreling in headfirst.

  “What’s your issue, dude?” Scott stiffens. Good—clearly, we are both holding shit back and a fight is what we need.

  Scott sets down his bag. “Do I really need to explain the issue?”

  I stand; this seems like a standing situation. “Yes, you never had an issue with Tilly and I before. Fuck, I remember you telling me to dive in… to give it everything I got. But now, you are practically pushing me out of the door.”

  “Yea, back then it was no issue, Jax. I loved seeing you and Tilly together. But you didn’t see Tilly after you left,” Scott replies defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.

  Fuck, Scott knows how to throw verbal punches like an MMA fighter. I guess, I never really thought about it. Tilly was practically packing my bag for me. I recall the first few months being tough. I almost came home several times. I remember Mr. Moore called to check in, and I confessed to him how much I wanted to come home. He told me it was okay to be homesick, and it was also okay to come home. But then he cautioned me. He said that I had better make sure I was certain and that I wouldn’t have any regrets. He didn’t want me to grow up old and bitter, and thinking about the opportunity I gave up… just because it was difficult right now.

  I gave it a few more months, and the trips started to get better. I started finding new happiness and comfort in my travels and career. By that same token, throwing myself in my work left me little time to think about how much I missed home. Mr. and Mrs. Moore used to check in on me (almost monthly) after that for a while. They told me how well everything was going at the shop, how good the boys were doing… and finally, how happy Tilly was. As much as I still missed her, I knew that at least right then, it wasn’t time for me to come home.

  “How was Tilly after I left?” I can hear how broken my own voice is, realizing that the happiness I thought she had experienced all this time might have never been true.

  Scott seems to notice, and cools down a bit. He takes a seat in the recliner across from me. “She was devastated. I ended up staying down at the college with her for the first week to make sure she was okay and not alone.”

  “She told me to go… I wanted to stay… But she said that with school, there was no point.”

  “You seem to forget who Tilly is. She is selfless, she would break every bone in her body to make someone she loves happy. You had been talking about leaving Tral Lake since we were kids, about how much you wanted to see the world. As much as Tilly loves you, she would never ask you to stay.”

  Dammit, I know he is right. I even told Tilly I wanted to stay again, and she told me how much I love my career. “I told her I want to stay.”

  “Yea—well, based on the conversation at breakfast this morning, it doesn’t sound like she really believed you,” Scott states, pointing out the obvious.

  “No, she told me she couldn’t ask me to stay. I told her I wanted to. Then, she kind of changed the subject. The conversation was dropped.”

  Scott smirks. He knows exactly what I mean. “Look, I would love it if you stayed. But, with the exception of Tilly and us, what do you have here? You never wanted to be tied down to this town. I know that right now, you are sad about my parents. And probably feel guilty for not seeing them or visiting. Also, I am sure seeing Tilly again after all this time has your hormones all over the place. But when the guilt wears off, when you have given up your dream career, when the “new relationship” vibes wear down and you are sitting here drinking iced tea with Tilly in this small boring-ass town—are you still going to be happy with your choice? Or will you end up resenting Tilly and us because you stayed?”

  I pause to think about it. I know he is speaking some truth. I don’t think I could ever resent Tilly. But, at the same time, is he right? Does my desire to stay here have more to do with guilt than what I actually want?

  Scott sighs. “Jax, all these years you chose to be gone. Your work sends you all over the world. You chose to have an apartment in New York, when you could have come back here during your off time. Then even if you didn’t live here, you have vacation time, and still you never once thought about coming back home and visiting. While it has been awesome to travel to some cool-ass places with you, I’ve only gotten to see you because work forced you to take time off. Tilly would never admit it… but the fact that you wouldn’t come here, or even invite her to go on vacation with you, broke her heart even more. It was hard for her to hear the stories about our trips or look at the pictures we had taken. But she suffered through because she is the best sister in the world, and took whatever chance she could to get some sort of glimpse into your life —a life that you shut her out of.”

  Fuck, he is right. And I hate that he is right. I can make all the excuses I want, but at the end of the day, I made no effort to keep in touch with Tilly. I can blame it on her lack of social media presence, but I know the real reason was because thinking about her made me homesick. And that wasn’t fair to her. If she only knew how many times I had picked up the phone to call her... Or how many unsent emails I wrote her… Or that I wanted to beg her to come with me and forget this town...

  “I’m guessing by the dumbfounded look on your face, you understand where I am coming from? So, then you know while I love you, it is my job to protect and look out for Tilly? When you leave again, especially after what she is going through with our parents, someone will need to be here to pick up the shattered pieces.”

  Scott stands and heads back to the door, grabbing his bag again. “I am not telling you to go, Jax. I miss the fuck out of having my best friend here. But I am also not telling you to stay either. The choice has always been yours. And because we all love you, we will always support whatever you choose. But Tilly deserves someone who is here, not just passing through. I know you say you want to stay, and I believe that this is what you want right now. What I don’t know, and it seems you don’t either, is how long that will last.”

  As Scott opens the door, the only thing I can think to say is, “I love her.”

  Scott sighs. “I know you do. But is it enough?”

  That is all Scott says before
he is gone, leaving me alone in the house.

  I love Tilly. And getting to spend every moment with her these past couple of weeks (even the hard and sad ones) has felt like being home. But Scott is right—is this just my grief talking? Or is this what I really want? In a couple of months, or years, will I suddenly wake up one morning with an itch to explore the world? If I stay, I need to know that I am staying permanently, and so does Tilly.

  So, I do the only thing I can think to do… I pick up the phone and call my boss.

  Chapter 12

  Matilda

  “So, how are things going with Jax?” Letty asks as we sit in the comfy massage chairs, getting our toes done.

  “Umm, they are going good.” I cannot help but blush thinking about last night.

  “That look on your face tells me you got over the whole ‘brother’ thing?” Letty grins at me.

  “Please, let’s never bring that up again, Letty.” I sigh, mulling over the personal hell I was in for the last week.

  She laughs. “Sure, no problem. We will pretend the incident never happened. But seriously, how are you?”

  “I don’t know. Robbie and Scott decided to go back home this morning. It has been nice having all of my brothers at home. With them gone… I don’t know… it will just feel so empty in that house.”

  “Well, isn’t Jax there?” Letty inquires, flipping through the color wheel and still looking for a gel color for her fingers.

  “Yea, that is kind of why they are leaving,” I admit bashfully, “but when he is gone, it’ll be like I’m living there alone. Granted, Scott did offer to move back in when his lease is up. But I feel bad having him give up his private space.”

  “Has Jax mentioned when he was leaving?” Letty inquires.

  “No, not yet. Actually… he kind of mentioned the idea of staying last night,” I offer nonchalantly. While I would love nothing more than for Jax to stay, I know better than to get my hopes up.

  “Oh yea, what did he say?” Letty asks, her tone becoming profoundly serious.

  “Not much really… we didn’t talk about it long. Just that he has been lonely while traveling. But I cannot ask him to stay here. Jax could never be happy here.” I attempt to school my own tone and hide that glimmer of hope that lives deep within me. The one that thinks it might finally be time for our happily ever after.

  “Well, I think that is up to Jax. Who knows, maybe he has gotten all of the traveling out of his system?” Letty points out matter-of-factly.

  “I don’t know, maybe? But what if he isn't done? What if he wakes up one morning and realizes this isn’t good enough? That I am not good enough? I don’t think I could handle that.” The thought of giving myself fully to Jax (and having him toss it back at me) is almost too much. Not to mention, do I really even deserve him? What kind of person would I be for keeping him tied down here with me?

  “I know, babe, but it isn’t fair to push Jax away if he is finally ready to commit.” Letty thinks for a moment. “I mean, if he isn’t what you want, then by all means push him away. But if you are doing that thing where you deprive yourself because you think it is in his best interest…” Letty pauses to ponder. “…well, that just isn’t your choice to make. How would you feel if he did the same to you?”

  ∞∞∞

  Letty and I parted ways following our afternoon together. She is closing at the bar tonight and needed to get ready for her shift. I thought about meeting her there, but I am just feeling so exhausted, and I am not sure it is really my scene right now.

  When I finally get home, Jax is the only one there. I know Robbie and Scott packed up and left this morning, and that tonight, Jake is at the station. But it is still weird—just Jax and me being here. I will try not to be too sad about it, and attempt to enjoy this time we get together.

  Especially since Jax is trying to cook. It is almost comical. He is clearly lost in the kitchen right now.

  “I guess cooking is not something you learned with all of your travels?” I muse, taking in his appearance.

  Jax peeks up at me—he is a total mess. Whatever sauce he is making has stained his shirt, and I see at least three burn marks on his hands and arms. It also appears as if he cut himself, since I notice two new bandages on his finger. Even though he looks like the ultimate disaster waiting to happen, I cannot help but smile. Domesticated Jax is absolutely adorable.

  “Yea, I eat a lot of takeout. But I got bored while sitting here and turned on the TV. I was watching some cooking show that talked about easy 30-minute dinners. Well, the lady on the TV made it look super simple, like even I could do it. So, I ran out to the store, bought some ingredients, and now here I am.” It is obvious he is immensely proud of himself.

  I love seeing him like this. But it is also a stark reminder that he is bored. Which means he will likely be getting back to his life soon. I always knew what this was, and I refuse to waste another moment being sad over it. I want to enjoy my time with Jax, for however long it may be. He might be only a tiny Band-Aid on this enormous wound I need to take care of, but I will accept the small fix now and worry about the full recovery later.

  I give him the biggest, most genuine smile I can muster. “Do you need help with anything?”

  “Actually, no. Everything is about finished. I thought maybe we could eat in the dining room tonight. I have everything all set. So why don’t you go take a seat? I will dish everything up and meet you in there.”

  I walk into the kitchen and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, Jax.”

  I go to the dining room. He has the fine china set out, the candles lit, and bread and olive oil sitting on the table along with a bottle of red wine. He has really gone all-out this evening. This is one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me. Granted, this isn’t the first time Jax has surprised me with such a thoughtful gesture.

  I take a seat at the table. Jax is not far behind me, carrying in two plates of what appears to be Chicken Parmesan and asparagus. “Wow, this looks and smells really good, Jax.”

  “Thanks. It doesn’t look as pretty as the dish she made on the TV. But everything seemed to taste good as I was cooking it. I also made sure the chicken was done. She reminded me like five times during the episode… about how dangerous undercooked chicken can be.”

  I can only smile at him. Jax cooking me dinner is downright sexy. I can tell he is totally out of his comfort zone. But I can also see that he is actually enjoying this experience.

  We eat dinner, which as it turns out, is actually really delicious. I’ve never had authentic Italian food before, but I am guessing this is relatively close. He explains to me how he made the sauce from scratch. It is really impressive. I do a little cooking, but it is pretty basic stuff. Cooking was always my mom’s and Scott’s thing. I was better as a taste-tester or salad-tosser.

  Jax clears our plates and comes back with two servings of some sort of layered pastry. “It is tiramisu,” he says. “I didn’t make it. I bought it. But I saw it was a good dessert to go with our Italian meal.”

  “Wow, you really thought of everything. I haven’t had it before, but it looks good.” And it was good. I’ve never been that big on sweets or cakes. I was always more of a fresh-fruit pie sort of gal. My favorite indulgence, however, was when my mom and I would go pick fresh strawberries and rhubarb. We would then combine the two distinctly tart flavors. The end result was one of the best made-from-scratch pies I have ever tasted.

  “Thank you, Jax. Everything was absolutely delicious.” He takes my hand and kisses the top of it.

  “Anything for you, Tilly.” He gives me his big panty-melting smile. “Why don’t you pour us a couple of glasses of wine and we can sit outside. The sky is clear tonight, and I heard that there should be a meteor shower we could see. I will get the last of the dishes in the washer and meet you out there.”

  Jax goes back to the kitchen. I pour one glass of wine and grab some water for myself. I’m not sure why, but wine just doe
sn’t sound appealing right now. I get out to the patio and see he already has it set up with two loungers pushed side-by-side and our sleeping bags zipped together, making one larger bag. I place our drinks on the end table and get cozy.

  Jax comes out a few minutes later to join me. He looks down at my glass and his brows furrow. “Do you not like the wine?”

  “Oh, no. I am sure it is fine. I’m just… I am not sure. I’ve been a little tired lately and I don’t want the wine to make me sleepy,” I say, fighting off a yawn.

  Jax wraps his arm around me and pulls me close. “Oh, I’m sorry, babe. If you are tired, we can go lie down inside—maybe watch a movie? I know things have been stressful for you and that has to be exhausting. Hell, even I’ve been exhausted recently. Grief can do that to you.”

  “Thank you. I think you are right. But I do not want to go lie down. Everything tonight has been really thoughtful and wonderful. And I am not ready for it to end.”

  Jax kisses the top of my head as we lie there, looking out at the night sky. It isn’t dark enough yet to see much, but it is still nice regardless. At least the moon is out and the sun is almost gone. It is something I love about Minnesota. Usually in early September, sunset starts at 7pm. But then, come winter, the sun starts to set around 5 or 6pm instead—meaning more time for my stargazing.

  “I had a talk with Scott today,” Jax says abruptly.

  “Oh.” I am not sure why, but all of a sudden, my blood runs cold. I had already gathered that Scott was upset about something earlier; however, I had yet to discover its root cause. That being said, I can’t imagine that any conversation he had with Jax, was a good one.

  “Yea, we had some stuff to air out.” As if he feels the tension in my body, he kisses the top of my head again and pulls me in close. “Please listen, before you stress yourself out more, okay?”

  I take a deep breath and nod. I now understand the intent behind the nice dinner and evening. He is likely buttering me up to leave again. I knew he was going soon, but I am just not ready yet. Will I ever be ready for him to go? This last week, I’ve avoided him like he was the plague… and… well, I just want some more time with him, I guess.