Forever Moore (Moore Family Book 1) Page 19

  “That is not at all what I am saying—” I attempt to rectify this disastrous conversation with Tilly, but it is no use.

  “Stop.” She cuts me off. “Listen to yourself, Jax. You are okay with letting us go, because of Keith.”

  “I’m not sure how this is any different than when you pushed me out the door… to take the job with the magazine. Because you couldn’t ask me to give that up. If I don’t go, what if he takes all your dreams away.”

  “This is not the same, Jackson,” Tilly cries. “I wasn’t pushing you out the door to punish you. We were young, I wanted to ensure you took advantage of an amazing opportunity. I didn’t want you resenting me for making you give that up.” Tilly struggles to maintain her composure and not scream at me in frustration. Taking a deep breath, Tilly continues. “Don’t you get it, Jax. If you leave, it’s you who is taking my dreams away,” she whispers, turning before walking off.

  I quickly rush over and wrap my arms around her. “I’m so sorry, Tilly. I love you.” Fuck, I don’t know why I would even imply that it would be better for me to leave. I am just not sure how to have Tilly, and not ruin her life at the same time. I will figure it out and fix this. I don’t care what I have to do.

  She shrugs out of my embrace and looks over her shoulder at me. “Jax, you know I would give you my whole world… if only you would take it.” Then she walks away from me towards the back office. Before I can say anything or try to apologize, she is gone.

  I’m about to follow her, when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I glance down and look at the screen. It is my boss calling. Dread washes over me. I feel like everything is about to fall apart. Hopefully, I am not too late to fix the damage and doubt that I just caused between Tilly and me.

  Chapter 31

  Matilda

  Slamming the door to my office, I try to cool off before going back out to Jax. The last thing I want to do is say something I might regret. Or even worse, have him say something he might regret… and will never be able to take back. I know this isn’t all Jax’s fault, and that he is concerned about me and my shop. Although I love the bookstore, it isn’t everything.

  Until Jax, I hadn’t realized how much was missing from my life. I was very much “all work, no play” Tilly. With the exception of Letty and my family, I really didn’t have much going on in the form of social interactions. I’d go to work, go home, think of work, then repeat. My dad had been pushing me to expand my personal life. In fact, his influence was what encouraged me to start my weekly reader group. But that can’t be it? Can it?

  Come on, Tilly, pull up your big girl panties and get back out there, I tell myself. I quickly grab my stuff and walk back out front. I slow down as I hear Jax on the phone. I don’t mean to eavesdrop but I do.

  “What’s the assignment?... How long?... Hmm, okay. I will be honest I was hoping to slow down on my workload… Yea, I understand. When do I have to go?... Sure, just send me the details.” Jax hangs up the phone then whispers, “Fuck.”

  “Hi,” I say meekly, pretending I didn’t just listen in on his call. “Who was that?”

  “My boss,” he says grimly.

  “Oh.” I know this is hard for him, but honestly, he was just talking about leaving anyway. Maybe this is a sign and just like ten years ago, it is up to me to be the strong one again. As much as I want forever with Jax, I guess it just isn’t in the cards we were dealt. “When do you have to leave?”

  “Officially, I have to be on site Monday. But I need to go home and get some stuff together. So, I’ll have to fly out Saturday,” Jax mentions cautiously.

  There it is—home. And home is not here. For Jax, it is out there, far away from this town… and from me. Keeping Jax in Tral Lake is like poaching a wild animal and locking it in a zoo. No matter how much I love him, he isn’t mine to keep… and never will be. I was stupid to ever think this would work. But that is what love does to you, it makes you stupid.

  “Well, we should get back to my house. I am sure you need to get things together.” I pull my purse strap up and head to the door to lead him out. Jax grabs my arm as I walk past, forcing me to turn and look at him.

  “This isn’t the end, Tilly, but I think this came at a good time. With Keith breathing down your neck, not finding work, my grandpa’s place, your parents—a lot is going on right now. Maybe taking a breather will help put things into perspective?” Jax attempts to reassure me.

  “I get it,” I say, shrugging out of his embrace. “It’s been a long day. I’m exhausted.”

  “Yea, let’s get you home,” Jax agrees solemnly.

  For the rest of the evening, the distance between us is evident. I know I am not the only one hurting. Part of me also knows that Jax is likely waiting and hoping I will break down and beg him to stay. Honestly, I might have… But after he was already questioning if this relationship was a good idea because of Keith, I’m not sure I should really be the one begging. I told him I would give him my whole world if he would take it—and I meant it. But I am not sure he is strong enough to reach out and grab hold.

  We could try this long-distance thing, and enjoy the time he is home. But we both know that is not sustainable. Then there’s his concern about Keith… Well, Keith is an ass and will always be one. But Jax was already taking a step back because of him. If we are going to do this, especially with the long distance, we both need to be all in. And after earlier, I am not convinced that Jax is anymore.

  I’m terrified that if Keith pulls one more stunt, or there is one more speed bump, Jax will bolt. Unfortunately, in the real world there are always going to be things that go wrong. It is just life. But what matters is how we handle the things that go wrong… as a couple. It is crucial to face those issues together. While the timing with his boss is super inconvenient and we knew it was coming soon, I can’t help but feel like he is using this opportunity to escape his problems. Jax has spent the last decade living one long vacation—no strings, no real responsibilities, no one to care for, no one to care for him. He has been free. I doubt he knows how to be tied down, or even how to handle day-to-day conflicts.

  ∞∞∞

  “Are you sure I can’t take you to the doctor’s?” Jax asks me over breakfast. I know he wants to go with me, and part of me wants him to come with. But after yesterday, I feel like I should start to let go. Every minute that I hold on, feels like it will make the pain that is about to come, cut that much more deeply.

  “My appointment is all the way in the Cities. With you needing to pack and get ready for your flight tomorrow morning, it just seems like a bad idea.” I dismiss his request to attend again.

  “Tilly, it isn’t like I have a ton to pack. I really only need my gear. Most of my clothes I will just leave here. It will honestly take me a half an hour, if that.” Jax thinks for a moment. “Hey, why don’t I go pack my stuff quickly, and then you can get an overnight bag together? We can just both stay the night in the Cities. Then you can bring me to the airport in the morning. This way we can spend as much time as possible together?” Jax offers with a slight lift in his spirits.

  This is so hard. A part of me wants to spend one more great night with him, especially since last night we barely spoke to each other. The other part reminds me that the longer I hold onto him, the more it will hurt when this is over. Despite his mini freak-out yesterday over Keith, it sounds like he still wants to go through with this long-distance plan. Fuck! Is love always this difficult? But then again, don't they say the hardest things end up being the best things?

  Fuck it. “That would be nice. Jake was going to cover the shop today for me anyway, since I didn’t know how long the appointment would be.”

  “See? Perfect!” he says, getting up and putting his plate in the sink. “I will go get my stuff together real quick, and then book us a hotel room and look for a nice restaurant to go to. We will make tonight as special as possible, even better than prom night,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows at me. Prom night was pretty epic…
I blush at the memory.

  ∞∞∞

  “How have you been feeling, Ms. Moore? Any major pain or discomfort?” Doctor Holt asks as he is checking the movement of my arm. I wince as he raises it higher.

  “Yea. I mean, it’s not as bad as after the accident. But I struggle to lift my arm up. And after a day of working, it continues to throb throughout the night,” I admit hesitantly. Fingers crossed, I am healing okay and can finally take this cast off.

  “I see. It’s likely all just your body adjusting during the normal recovery process, but I’d still like to take some imaging and see how things have progressed. Before we do that, we will need to remove your current cast. Hopefully, if everything looks good, we can have you fit for a brace. This will allow you to take it on and off for brief periods of time as needed.”

  “That would be wonderful. I absolutely hate this thing. It has made showering so awkward.” I chuckle with a self-deprecating laugh.

  “Besides the arm, is everything else feeling well? How are you doing?” the doctor asks, plugging notes into the computer.

  “Umm, fine. I mean, as well as expected.” I fidget. I have never been a big fan of doctors. They always freak me out. It’s not that they are bad… It’s just so hard to determine what to share with them, verses what is just normal and doesn't need to be mentioned. I never want to be that patient that complains about every ailment and has to be subjected to a million tests.

  “Tilly, what about feeling sick?” Jax interjects. I knew I should have had him stay in the waiting room. But I caved, knowing the support would be nice. Being back in this hospital is hard enough, I really didn’t want to face the doctor alone.

  “Sick, tell me about this? What kind of symptoms?” The doctor is giving me his whole focus now.

  “It is nothing serious. I have mostly just been a little tired and my appetite has been funny. With all the stress of my parents, work, and healing… I’m sure it is no big deal.” I try to dismiss this whole thing. I know Jax has wanted me to get checked out. But there is nothing this doctor can do for my stress level.

  “Hmm, it could be stress but you did have internal damage as well. I think, to be safe, I’d like to take some bloodwork and do a body scan. Even if there hasn’t been pain, it doesn’t mean that something else can’t be going on in there. I’d rather be safe and not overlook anything.”

  A short while later, the nurse comes back for a blood draw and removes my cast. God, having fresh air on my arm feels so amazing. This is also the first time I’ve been able to see my incision from the accident, or at least the first time that I can really remember. I have this giant (maybe six-inch) scar down my right forearm. It is still red and healing. I’m sure it will fade over time, but it will be a constant reminder of the worst day of my life.

  While we wait, Jax is a good sport. He tries to keep me entertained by showing me information about the Keys and the resorts he has been to in Hawaii. He is still planning our mini weekend getaway. We cannot exactly commit to anything yet but it is fun to plan. Although I am reserved over how everything will work when he is gone, it is encouraging to see him trying.

  “Ms. Moore, sorry about the wait. There were some delays at the lab,” the doctor says apologetically, re-entering the room and taking a seat.

  “No worries. I expected to possibly be here all day,” I say with a smile, letting him know I am not one of those patients who expects to be in and out in ten minutes. Especially since this isn’t a normal doctor’s office. It is a hospital, and I am sure emergency cases take precedent. “Everything look good? Do we still need to do the body scan?” It would be nice to not have to deal with that bill as well. I know the lawyer said not to pay anything and that we will submit it all in the lawsuit. But still, I know those things can get expensive.

  “Ms. Moore, before we discuss any of your test results, I need to ask… Are you comfortable having your boyfriend, I presume, present?” The doctor gives me a curious look.

  “Yea, it is fine. Is there something wrong?” I question, starting to panic. Jax takes my hand in his, passing his strength and support to me.

  “Very well. Do you happen to recall when your last menstrual cycle started?” the doctor inquires awkwardly.

  I blush. Maybe I should have had Jax step out… I didn’t think we were going to talk about menses. “Umm, I guess I really don’t know. I don’t exactly pay attention.” I stop and think about it for a moment. My cycles aren’t consistent. And well, with my IUD I really don’t keep track, since I don’t have to worry about pills or anything. “I’m sorry I have an IUD and don’t mark down the dates. I don’t remember anything recently. I'd guess maybe six or seven weeks ago? But I’m never regular,” I say shyly in front of Jax. Based on his stiff posture, I can tell he is uncomfortable with this conversation. This is the last thing any guy wants to think about.

  “Hmm. Well, looking at your bloodwork, we cannot perform a full-body scan at this time. We will still be able to x-ray your arm. We have safety measures we can take. Your test results indicate you are about…” He pauses to double-check his clipboard. “I’d estimate you are about six or seven weeks pregnant, depending on when your last menstrual cycle started.”

  “Six or seven weeks pregnant?” I whisper, looking down at my flat stomach.

  “Usually, we base the fetal age off of the date of your last menstrual cycle. However, we will do an ultrasound and get a better idea. We will also look for your IUD. It is possible it fell out and you might not have noticed, or it might have gotten dislodged. Regardless, we need to remove it if it is still intact.”

  I look over to Jax who is still holding my hand. I cannot read his expression right now. I can’t tell if he is panicking, or if he is excited, or just in shock. I am not even sure how I feel right now. A baby? A little bit of me and Jax rolled into one. I’ve always wanted to start a family. I want a big family, like what I had growing up. I just assumed I would be married first. Granted, the dad is who I hoped it would be, but not like this...

  “I have some literature for you. You can read about your options. It is still early enough if you—”

  “I’m keeping the baby!” I yell, cutting the doctor off. I don’t even want to hear what he was going to suggest.

  “Okay, well then, review this literature and I’d suggest speaking with your OBGYN for any prenatal care. We will make sure everything is safe for the baby today. But assuming that nothing is wrong… I would recommend that you start a prenatal vitamin, avoid alcohol, maintain a healthy diet, and continue to get plenty of rest and fluids. The pregnancy is the most likely culprit for your exhaustion and food aversions.” The doctor glances between us, both still slightly in a state of shock. “We will get you in for your ultrasound. Then after we verify everything is okay with the baby, we will move onto the x-ray. In the meantime, congratulations.”

  After the doctor leaves, Jax and I continue to sit in silence. He is still holding my hand and I am honestly still in shock over the whole ordeal. I guess it’s more like a mixture of shock, fear, excitement… just everything. I really wish he would say something, anything.

  “A baby…” he whispers.

  “Yea, a baby,” I verify.

  “A baby…” he repeats.

  “I’m sorry.” I am not sure what he is thinking. I can only assume he is mostly still in shock. But my doubt is creeping in again… Maybe this isn’t what he wanted?

  “What… sorry?” He shakes his head as if he is trying to knock some sense back into it. “Shit… Tilly, no, I’m sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. I guess I am just a little stunned. Not in a bad way! It’s just that this is not what I was expecting today.”

  “Yea, I can agree with you on that...”

  A knock at the door interrupts Jax from what he was about to say. “Ms. Moore, we are ready to take you for the ultrasound. Will your boyfriend be coming with you?”

  Jax shakes his head again, finally coming back to reality. He immediately stands, p
ulling me up with him. He smiles back at me. “Yes, I would love to. If that is alright with you, of course?”

  “Yes, please,” I beg, squeezing his hand tighter.

  Okay, so early pregnancy ultrasounds are nothing like in the movies. When she asks me to disrobe from the waist down, I am shocked. Then when I am instructed to lie on the table, and see a long probe lubed-up and ready to be shoved inside me… (well, uncomfortable doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel). I’m both glad and mortified that Jax is here to witness this. Looking up at him, I can tell he is suppressing his laughter over whatever sick and twisted joke he has running through his head right now.

  As this probe is inserted into me, the tech keeps apologizing for “any discomfort”—which there absolutely is plenty of. Besides the pressure it is putting on my insides (and not in the sexy way) the ridge on the plastic covering scratches a little. As she moves the device around, she explains which organs we are looking at, before confirming that they indeed look healthy. Finally, she gets to the uterus and I can see tiny flickers.

  Ah, there we go.” She makes some marks on the screen to indicate a baby is there. “The flicker you see is the heartbeat. Oh wait… Well, look at that… Hello, there!”

  “What?” What is happening? “Did you find the IUD?”

  “Nope, I haven’t seen that yet. I will do another look around, but I assume it fell out. If you had a heavy cycle with lots of cramping, you might not have even noticed. It was likely the reason why. Nope, what I am seeing here… are twins.”

  I sit up straight as I can. “TWINS!?”

  “Yea, do twins run in your family?” The nurse inquires while making a few more notes on the images.

  “I’m a twin actually,” I say quietly, afraid to even look at Jax now. We were just in shock over the idea of one baby, but now two…

  “That makes sense then. Twins are usually hereditary through the mother. You have greater odds for twins, given that you are one. Well, double congratulations. Would you like to hear their heartbeats?”