Forever Moore (Moore Family Book 1) Page 17

  But when it didn’t even sound like he was considering us in that home… it hurt. At first, when he had asked me if I would be willing to leave my family home to live there, I was uncertain. Then, after thinking about it more last night, I realized that I would. I love my home. It has so many good memories. But then, sometimes those memories are a little overbearing. I look at the door to my parents’ bedroom and think to myself—would I ever live in that room? What would I do with it? Maybe that is the same problem for Jax. Would moving there be like living with an overwhelming amount of good and bad memories?

  Given the circumstances, I guess that house has a lot of tragic memories for him. For instance, I’m sure memories of watching his father die slowly and painfully from Lou Gehrig’s disease still linger there. I was too young when that happened. I was only three, but Scott has told me about it. He said it was hard being there with Jax, who was watching his father wither away to nothing. Then, to be twelve and go to wake your grandpa one morning, only to find a cold lifeless body… I guess I would never want to live there either.

  I think momentarily, I was just being selfish and reading into things. In fact, the more I consider it, Jax living in that home or not has nothing to do with us. It really is his choice and (like my parents said) I will support him no matter what he decides.

  I still need to talk to him about the notice Keith dropped off yesterday. But last night, I really didn’t have the chance. Then this morning I came to the shop, allowing him to sleep in. Although he sobered up before we got home, my guess is that he is going to have one hell of a hangover when he wakes up. I made sure to leave him a note next to the coffee pot, letting him know where I was and that he didn’t need to come in.

  “Where’s Jax?” Scott stands between the cafe and the shop.

  “Oh, I let him sleep in. He had kind of a rough night last night.”

  “Is this about the will reading?” I can tell Scott is both concerned and curious.

  “Yea, but it isn’t my place to explain.” While they are best friends and basically brothers, I don’t feel comfortable telling his story. I have had Jax keep enough of my stories private, so it is the least I can do for him in return.

  “Okay, sorry. I guess, I don't know…” Scott rubs a hand over his face. “I was thinking maybe you two were fighting or something. I know his vacation is almost over. And well, I just… you know?”

  Yes, I know. I have been trying not to think about that. Obviously, the town marketing job is not happening. I have a feeling that Keith will block him on starting his own private business as best he can. So, the only thing he can really do is become employed with someone else. I would love it if he wanted to help run the shop with me, but I don’t think that would ever be enough. I’ve noticed him working here, and he always seems bored.

  “I understand. We haven’t really talked about it,” I tell him honestly. I am not going to panic over “what if’s” and “maybe’s” right now. Especially since Scott helped me so much the first time Jax left. I would hate to put him out like that again. Not that he wouldn’t do it anyway. Hell, all my brothers would be there. But I am an adult now. I can’t afford to breakdown over any guy, no matter how much I love him.

  “Just let me know if you need anything, okay?” I nod in reply and he goes back into the cafe to resume working.

  I try hard to focus on work today, and to think about all of the things I want to do with the bookstore, especially now that I have the extra money. We have talked about expanding the shop; but really, I don’t need much space. A majority of it would be for storage, which I could do anywhere. I mostly just want to expand so that Scott can have his industrial kitchen and open a full-blown restaurant. It has been his dream for so long, and I would do anything to help him fulfill it.

  As I glance around, I try to make note of where improvements could be made. I could invest money into making a better reading corner? Or a nice place for the children's story time? There is so much I can do… While in the back of the shop, I hear the ding above the door and rush to the front. When I get up there, I see a disheveled looking Jax.

  “Hi, I didn’t expect you to come in today.” It all feels really strained between us right now. My mind is overanalyzing everything, coming up with each possible worst-case scenario. On top of that, I am terrified that he is pulling away from me. I know it sounds silly… But except for the few times when I touched him last night to comfort him, he didn’t touch me at all, even when we went to bed. Normally, he would snuggle against me. Last night he felt so far away. I keep trying to tell myself he was just overemotional and drunk, but another nagging part of me is saying it is more than that.

  “Did you not want me to come in?” Clearly, he is having the same “off” feeling about us.

  I drop my head and sigh. “No, it is not that, Jax. I just figured after last night… maybe coming into the shop is not what you wanted to do today. If you want to be here, I am happy to see you. But if you don’t want to be here, you don’t need to be.” Fuck, even though I know we are talking about today, I also feel like I am talking about “us” in general.

  “I’m sorry, Tilly. I didn’t mean to be a dick. I guess you are right. I am still a little shell-shocked from yesterday and then the hangover isn’t helping.”

  I walk up to him slowly, to place a quick kiss on his cheek. I hate this horribly awkward feeling. Normally we are in sync. But right now, I feel like we are two magnets pushing each other apart. “Then go home and rest. I can handle things here. I will see you later, okay?”

  “Sure, okay. I will see you tonight.” He turns and walks out of the shop. I can already feel my fragile heart start to crack. No kiss, no hug, no anything. He just feels like a robot. Although I want to believe there’s just a lot weighing on his mind… there is that voice in my head, reminding me that this might be our end.

  Chapter 28

  Jackson

  Shit, ever since that will reading, I feel like I am fucking everything up. My mind is so overloaded that I can’t think straight. Do I quit my job and stay here? Or keep my job and move back? If I quit, what will I do? If I don’t quit, could we survive the strain a long-distance relationship would put on us? I know other people in my line of work have families, but I am not sure if I could raise my own like that. I don’t think Tilly would want to either. Then the next questions are: If I stay, Tilly and I together, would we live at her house? Or my grandpa’s house? Or should we just buy a new one and be done with it?

  There is just too much damn shit to consider. I know Tilly and I should talk more, but ever since last night when we were discussing my inheritance, she has felt distant. Maybe it is just me… But I feel like there’s this invisible force field around her, and she is untouchable. The worst part is I think I put the fucking barrier there myself.

  Come on, Jax, pull your shit together. My vacation is almost up. While there are so many uncertainties right now, I know I want Tilly. So, I need to pull my head out of my ass, and fix this distance issue that I caused by being a drunk shit last night.

  I take out my laptop and start looking at some dinner options to make for her. Flipping through, I notice there are a lot of great recipes. But with running to the store, I wouldn’t have enough time to cook something up, so I bookmark them for later. Even though a nice steak and lobster dinner sounds good, Tilly really hasn’t been eating anything too heavy. Shit, I need to do something. That’s when I find it. It is simple but I can make it from scratch easily enough.

  I found a recipe for creamy tomato soup. Although it may not be fancy, growing up with the Moores, I know for a fact that tomato soup is the automatic go-to whenever someone feels sick or down. Actually… I think for a moment, then go look in the pantry. I remembered seeing a recipe box in there the other day. Bingo! I find Mrs. Moore’s recipe for tomato soup. This is perfect and I know Tilly will love it.

  ∞∞∞

  Around seven thirty, Tilly comes home and puts her stuff up. I rush out to the
living room to greet her and try to push through that invisible barrier I built. I stroll up to her and give her a kiss on the cheek. “Hi, babe. How was the shop today?”

  Tilly still seems a little guarded, but she smiles at me. “It was good. What did you make? It smells great.”

  I smile back at her. “It’s a surprise. I’ll meet you in the dining room, okay?”

  I head back to the kitchen. I stir and taste the soup—it’s perfect. Quickly, I fry up a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches I had prepped. I didn’t want to make them too early and chance them getting cold. Bringing the dishes into the dining room, I call out, “Close your eyes.”

  I hear her chuckle. “You are ridiculous. Okay, they are closed.”

  I stroll in, setting our bowls and sandwiches on the table. She sniffs the air and then smiles. “God, this smells so good. I can't quite figure it out, but it reminds me of mom.” That makes me smile in turn. Even though she doesn’t know what I made or how it tastes, the smell is at least right.

  “Okay, open!” I say, taking a seat in my chair.

  Tilly slowly opens her eyes. Looking down at the table, she grins, a single tear running down her face. “You made me tomato soup and grilled cheese?” I reach over and wipe her damp cheek. “It smells just like the soup she used to make us as kids.”

  “I actually used her recipe,” I say. Another tear is shed. “I hope that was okay?” Damn, I didn’t think about how this might upset her. Maybe it is making her sad thinking about them.

  “It’s perfect, Jax. Thank you, I really needed this today.” She leans down and smells the soup before she takes a spoonful into her mouth. The moan she makes in approval sends signals down below. I shift slightly in my seat to try and relieve some of the pressure. “It is perfect, Jax.”

  “I’m glad you like it. I wanted to cook you a nice dinner. To make up for last night… and today. Then, I thought about how you haven’t felt well and how your mom’s tomato soup cures everything. So, I don't know… I thought maybe this would help make you feel better. But also, maybe it would cure whatever damage I caused as well.”

  “Jax, you didn’t damage anything. It was a very emotional day for all of us. Regardless, though, I love the soup. It was exactly what I needed,” Tilly praises, digging in.

  “So, we are okay? I didn’t fuck us up?” I feel like an insecure idiot right now. But I worry that hiding my fears and letting them simmer will only hurt us more. If Tilly and I end up doing this long-distance thing for a while, communication is key.

  “No, you didn’t fuck us up. I will admit I was scared. I felt like you were more distant since yesterday. But I realize we both had stuff to think about and work through.”

  We continue eating our dinner. Taking into account the little moans Tilly keeps torturing me with, she is enjoying the meal. But something still feels off. Tilly still seems to have reservations. About what, I have no idea. “Is something else bothering you?”

  “Huh?” She looks up at me confused for a moment.

  “I’m just wondering what’s on your mind? While I feel like we cleared the air about us, I am still sensing that something else is bothering you.”

  “Oh, yea. I guess there is.” She starts playing with her soup, clearly stalling. “Keith stopped by the shop last night.”

  I drop my spoon, and try to rein in my anger. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She gives me a pointed look that says—do I really need to answer that? “Sorry… are you okay? Did he try to pull anything?”

  “I am fine. He did not touch me or attempt to. But he did deliver me and a bunch of shops… a notice.”

  “What was the notice?”

  “Umm… well… you can read it. But it basically says shops can’t use your services, because you are not licensed or an approved vendor. Anyone who does is at risk of losing their business license. I did justify that you are technically my employee—well, volunteer—and it is just a job responsibility. So, I am not in trouble as long as you don't work more than twenty hours, or until I officially hire you on. But that means the other shops can’t contract you, unless they hire you as staff.”

  That fucking weasel. Of course, he would pull some stupid stunt like this. I am sure that even if I get licensed, he would make it hell to do so. Then, who knows if he would allow me to be a vendor… It seems pretty obvious that finding work around here won't be easy. Well, at least independently. I could get a job somewhere else. He really can’t mess with that. It’s just one more damn thing to deal with.

  “I’m sorry, Jax. I know that puts a wrench in your plan. But we will figure something out, okay?”

  I take her hand and smile. “It will be fine. I will find something. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if that is what I wanted to do anyway. I have been thinking about doing general photography—you know, weddings and portraits? But maybe I’ll do something else altogether.”

  “I know. I would ask if you wanted to join me at the shop. But that isn’t what you want full time. I can tell you don’t mind helping out, but it really isn’t your thing,” Tilly mentions. There is no resentment in her tone. She is only stating what she has observed—unfortunately, she is not wrong.

  “It really isn’t. I wish it was though. I enjoy being at the shop with you and spending time together. I also like helping with your social media. But, no, I don’t feel like running a bookshop is what I want to do,” I say in somber agreement.

  “It’s okay, Jax. I am not angry. It is slow and boring work. Even if you stop doing photography, you need something fast-paced and challenging. The bookshop isn't that. Also…” She sighs. “…please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think one of those marketing jobs in the Twin Cities is the right thing for you either. Besides the horrendous commute, I think you would be miserable sitting behind a desk all day.”

  I let out this deep breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. “Thank you.” I take her hand into mine. “I was worried about the same thing, but honestly, I have just been desperately trying to figure out what to do.”

  “We will figure it out. I hate to bring this sensitive subject up again, but do you really need to work right now?” Tilly says softly, verbally walking on eggshells.

  “I know I’ve got some money, but it isn’t enough to not work.”

  “No, but with the house being rented you are generating income. If you did freelance photography work, that would be more income. I guess I am not sure about your finances, but living here with me, the expenses would be almost nothing.”

  I guess I never thought about that. I mean, except for the rent on my apartment, I don’t have much in the way of expenses. I don’t own a car, but would have enough money to buy one. I have one travel miles credit card that I don’t really keep a balance on. I pay it off every statement. I have no student loans either. While maybe only making a thousand to fifteen hundred a month sounds like very little (especially since the rent of my apartment is eighteen hundred alone) if I stayed here, she is right. I wouldn’t need much to live.

  “Let me think about it, okay? I mean, it sounds like a good possibility. But there are some things I need to think about—like insurance and what the hell I would do with all my free time?” I try to make a joke to ease the tension.

  “I understand.” She looks a little sad. “If I didn’t have the shop, I don’t know what I would do.”

  “Can I ask you something, Tilly? And I need your honest answer…”

  She gulps. “Okay?”

  “Is the possibility of me working my current job, but coming home to you… is it not going to work for you?” I ask the question I have been dreading.

  “I honestly don't know, Jax. I want it to work. But it scares me. I feel selfish because I know there are military spouses who have it a lot harder than what you are proposing. But when I think of a partner, well, I think of someone who is here.” She shakes her head. “I want a family. And I have always imagined that family having a husband and a father, who would be here.”

>   Fuck, I knew this long-distance thing was going to be a stretch. I am not even angry with her. Tilly wants what her mom and dad had. I’ve always known that. I think she could handle the separation temporarily. But long term, with marriage and children, she would never do that kind of arrangement. And neither would I. I couldn’t imagine missing so much being gone.

  I take her hand in mine and give it a quick kiss. “It’s okay, babe. Nothing to be sorry about. We will figure everything out, okay?”

  Chapter 29

  Matilda

  Wednesdays are one of my favorite days of the week. A couple years ago, I started a local reading group and we meet on Wednesday evenings. Scott usually heats up a carafe of coffee and puts out hot water with an assortment of tea options, along with a delectable spread of cookies and finger-sandwiches he makes.

  Our group sure has grown over the last year. When it started, there were only three of us. Now, we officially have seven members. Our newest is Scarlett Valentine. She moved here a few months back and took over the bed and breakfast. It has been a blast to have her in the group. Let’s just say, she has really expanded the book genres we read.

  “Well…” Sally clears her throat. “…that book was interesting.” This is the Minnesotan nice way to indicate that you do not like something, but don’t want to be rude and flat out say it. Sally is one of our more conservative members, and I was concerned that the book Scarlett recommended last week wouldn’t sit well with a few, her included.